Feeling the ripple of effects of last week’s Father’s Day discussions, I’ve really been feeling a calling to this subject. I’m alarmed at what was a trend is now an expected norm—to be a single parent. Why can we get together long enough to conceive a child but cant be a cohesive unit under one roof? Traditional families are disintegrating in American society and almost extinct in our communities. I rarely hear people talk about the value of a family. Men support their children. Women raise the kids. But no one seems to actually want to have a family. Or is it too impossible in this day and age to desire?
What are your thoughts?
0 responses to “Can Mom and Dad live under the same roof?”
In order to answer the question if Mom and Dad can live under the same roof, you have to take a step back and understand how emotionally sound Mom and Dad were before getting married and deciding to become parents. We have become a society of people interested in quick and easy gratification. As such, many don’t have the ability to work through thier issues to ensure that their children have the benefit of two parents under the same roof. Additionally, there is a lack of value in having both parents raise children as a cohesive unit. As a newly divorced mom of two (2yr old daughter and a 4 year old son, 9 years of marriage), I greive the fact that my children have become a statistic before they have entered grade school. I waited until thirty to marry and truly thought it would be forever. I now know that the emotional pains of my ex-husband’s past made that an impossiblity for him. As an adult longing for the love of an estranged father himself, he was not emotionally ready to make sacrifices to commit to marriage or parenthood. With this being the reality, I now have to do all I can to raise my children and encourage a healthy coparenting relationship even though we are not under the same roof. It is not ideal, but it is the hand we have been dealt. For those of you trying to decide if it matters that Mom and Dad are under the same roof, I say emphatically – YES, but at the same time if that is not possible, then you have to try and be the best coparents you can.
Maleissa, Thank you for sharing that with us. I’m interested in finding out, how we as humans, as “higher beings”, actually think about what we say and do and realize how much of and affect/power we have with each other. In this society, we are so cavalier with our feelings and how we treat another. Going to fast and at times having inappropriate relations with people. And those decisions perpetuate themselves… they manifest in future decisions/relationships… for better or worse, usually worse. It almost becomes a habit. And I see that habit happening in our society. It is a habit to mistreat one another, to abandon each other, to disregard our “self.”
We have a lot of power and we are fragile, especially children. And there is a caring and thought process I’d like to adopt and wield before coupling/marrying and raising a family. But THAT habit, that set of tools is not readily available or taught to us… in this society. To be fast, carefree, ambivalent and selfish are the mechanisms of many of the relationships we see (albeit TV, Movies, Music).
A recent study funded by Radio One reported that 1/2 of all Black parents are single parents, and nationwide, nearly 1 in 2 Americans divorce.
As a former single parent who married, divorced, and re-married my child’s faher, I understand some of the dynamics that have led to the disintegration of the Black family. Here are 5 mistakes I’ve seen or experienced that, if corrected, could restore the family structure:
1) Prioritizing minor characteristics over someone’s substance. For example, by focusing more on someone’s height, profession or salary than their character, value system, or how they treat you, you might miss out on a good thing!
2) Settling for less than what you deserve. They say that a “piece of man is better than no man at all,” but this type of thinking has led to man-sharing, bitter feelings, and broken hearts. Perhaps it’s better to be content and peaceful by yourself than to experience unnecessary drama from making choices that compromise your values?
3) Ignoring that voice inside your head. Generally, there’s some validity to what your spirit is suggesting, and ignoring that voice will surely lead to trouble down the road. Listen to your heart AND your head.
4) Rushing into a new relationship before driving closure from the last relationship. Healing takes time, and includes honesty, forgiveness, and a declaration of what the future you envision. It’s difficult to make a fresh new start when you’re still carrying around baggage. Take the time to heal, you owe it to yourself!
5) Engaging in casual sexual relationships. Years ago, “baby’s daddy” and “baby mama” wasn’t part of our vocabulary, but casual sexual behavior has resulted in a generation of fatherless children, angry struggling moms, and runaway dads across all income and education levels in our community. Perhaps this is one of the biggest contributors to the breakdown of the family. If left uncorrected, the impact will probably haunt us for years to come as these children are more likely to continue the destructive, multi-generational cycle.
For more information on solutions, check out my memoir, “Love’s Resurrection: A Spiritual Journey through Marriage, Divorce and Remarrying the Same Man.” Available at http://www.kristinharper.com or http://www.amazon.com.
As a mother of a 3 beautiful children, I know that Mom and Dad do not have to remain under the same roof to parent children successfully. My ex-husband and I are working together amicably in a strong co-parenting relationship. It appears that Malessia has not gotten over the dissolution of her marriage and sounds a bit bitter that her ex-husband has moved on with his life. Simply by the fact that her children are so young, it appears that embarking into having children was of obsession and that a realistic assessment was not made to understand that it takes more than the clock ticking to make a happy and successful marriage. Recommendation: get some therapy, co-parent fairly and move on with your life.