I Secretly Work For “Home”land Security

MEN: If you’ve even had a woman break into your email, voicemail or had information that left you scratching your head. Let’s not even tap into other things that have left you wondering if she was a 10 on the Insanity Richter Scale….then here’s a question you might want to ponder: When will men figure out that women are WAY smarter and more cunning than a man can ever HOPE to be?

Why do you not understand that there are no secrets and there is something behind the old saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!” Well you’ve heard that before, but you continue to think you can get away with anything like a kid in a candy store. Fellas….here are some things you should keep in mind.

Women remember EVERYTHING! Especially the stuff that you don’t want them to. Now we might not be able to remember that we cussed your mama out at Thanksgiving Dinner last year (“Who me? I love yo mama! I would never do something like that!”), but we DO remember that you had a crush on Tonya Wainwright in the 5th grade….so when you tell us that an OLD friend of yours, TONYA WAINWRIGHT, just got hired at your job, do you not KNOW that our radar goes up? When you start having to “work late” after said innocent announcement on a project with work “friend” Tonya, do you NOT realize that our radar goes up?

All women are potential FBI agents, no I dare say, agents for Homeland Security. There is not a bit of information, security code, secret, habit, blemish on your body that we don’t know about or can’t get to. So do yourself a favor and keep wanna-be Lorena Bobbits out of your bedroom by not believing that there is anything you can get away with. If you are in a committed relationship, stay committed. If you DON’T want to be in a committed relationship, then say so….and THEN it’s her own fault for not hearing you. Like I always say, listen to what somebody tells you even if it’s contradictory to their actions. And if you are honest, then it’s not like you tried to trick her into being monogamous with you when you know you were not committed to being monogamous with her. Or try this on for size, if you come to the conclusion that she is no longer who you want to be with, then move on, she’ll get over it….really she will!

Now….I know, I know….there are gonna be gentleman who will say….well if you don’t go looking for stuff you won’t find it. To that I say, if there ain’t anything to find, then we won’t find it. Same situation, very different perspective. Do know that SANE women only go looking for confirmation of a gut feeling that is 99.9% of the time CORRECT. Nutso women drag extra baggage into the relationship and do go looking for things that aren’t there when you haven’t done ANYTHING but be ABOVE BOARD.

Sidebar to the ladies….as my grandma used to always say…WATCH YOUR ACCUSOR! The man who insists you are doing something when you KNOW you are not, is the one who is trying to throw you off the scent. This is the OLDEST trick in the book. Guys…this is older than women thinking that having a baby by you is gonna keep you. JEEZ….give it up! We know that trick already.

Then fellas also understand….once your woman asks you the questions that are hittin’ close to home, your best bet is to come clean, don’t insult her intelligence by telling her that she is crazy and imagining things. That’s when you start inviting “Lorena Bobbit” into your bedroom and then….it’s your own fault.

Excuses that don’t work:

“I told her I was married” [Who cares….women don’t mess with married or otherwise attached men???? Good lord, please bury this excuse for good]

“She’s just some crazy chick at my job, I don’t know why she’s actin’ like that”. [Unless she truly needs to be committed to a psych ward, you gave her SOME reason to believe that she had a shot. She didn’t come up with it on her own]

“That’s Bobby’s (your buddy) friend calling me. I just talk to her because she wants to talk about Bobby” [Please stop using your friends in this way…especially when you haven’t had enough sense to let them on the lie….something that gets men in trouble all the time]

I’ll come up with some others later in the sequel to this article (tentatively named….”Kick in the Door Wavin’ the FOUR-FOUR” or something like that. LOL

I’ve tried to help….

Here’s hoping that you keep all your body parts! You’d hate to have to explain to the next woman how come you can’t have anymore kids (and it won’t be because your vasectomy went bad!)

0 responses to “I Secretly Work For “Home”land Security”

  1. That’s why you only give your woman info she ASKS for- because you can best believe that women don’t volunteer info about their past relationships….

  2. Well….I guess I would agree to a point. The point is WHEN do you volunteer. If we’re just talking in casual conversation about past relationships then probably so. But if I have some skeletons about the time when I was really out there (swingin’ from the ceiling fan and having multiple partners) and it’s our 2nd date, then I’m sure you’d have a very “warped” view of said woman.

    I would say it all depends on when, what and how the conversation is going. We all “skew” the truth to suit the other participant in the conversation.

    For example: If the man a woman is talking to is speaking of his swinger lifestyle…then she may volunteer that she also swings. If he’s more conservative, then I’m sure she won’t share that. Just my 2 cents.

  3. A lot of times men have to also be adept at “flipping the script” on the ladies’ interrogation tactics. Anytime I’m interrogated, I make sure to work my way into asking the woman doing so the same question in return. If the man is smooth enough in doing this, he will find out everything he needs to know for that time being. It also ensures that the woman will not ask anything that she is not comfortable answering for herself!

    As far as what a man should tell a woman when, discretion is important. However, sometimes one has to shed some light on those “sleepwalking skeletons” in their closet that they know can’t be kept hidden until after they rest in the grave – and make sure due diligence is taken in finding out about their companion’s skeletons in the process. Yes, that can be risky, but it will also be the true test of a relationship. No one likes bald-face liars, and if a woman really likes a man for the right reasons, she’ll be with him regardless.

    Now, snoops won’t get much love from me, because since I like my privacy respected, I don’t snoop. The key is handling your business on the homefront and being saavy enough to not create any reason to be snooped upon.

  4. Interesting response OC…made me LOL when you said you do the script flip. Good job…and makes her think twice about the questioning, huh??? :o)

    Also good point about handling your business….so that the snooping has no reason to start and you’re right…if you’re handling your B.I….and she still becomes a snoop…then I’m giving you the Brooklyn head-nod to go ahead and call her crazy. Officially speaking.

    -A. Fox

  5. Wow, for the first time in the history of “relationship articles”…I agree with your entire article (even the part that women are “WAY smarter and more cunning” than a man can ever HOPE to be”). Relationships are tough, learning about women is even tougher, (probably the toughest thing known to man). I am a big fan of learning thru experience in this area. That being said…and I’m writing this for the men out there like myself who have gone thru, just about what seems like, every single relationship situation…

    If you’re fed up with learning how to maneuver in a relationship…just f*ck up a couple of em. Not on purpose…but this will need to occur for you to learn what works and doesn’t work when it comes to women. And this my friends is how you can become smart enough to understand women. For example: Often times women incorporate into conversation there idealogy for what a man is…which is often based on how they were raised, what they’ve heard, saw on tv, read, dealt with in past relationships, etc. So, taking this into consideration…you can only learn from women how to think like a women. But on the flipside…a women can only learn from a man…how to think like a man. So you see…both sides need each other and it won’t make sense until you f*ck up a couple of relationships.

  6. Clayton…to your point about things people incorporate in conversations…

    People tend to say action speak louder than words, which I agree with MOST of the time, BUT anybody can keep up their best foot forward even for a little while which based on actions ONLY can give you a confusing message…but if you listen to what they TELL you…then believe it. People tell you in lots of ways….sometimes actions…sometimes words. Lots of friends have said to me…well he SAYS he don’t wanna get married…but then he’s over here all the time and we’re going on vacations together…then fast fwd 7 years later and they still ain’t married….why not? b/c he SAID it from day one.

  7. Okay miss lady, I hear ya…you need to write a book. For the time being, I’m going to assume you’re not referring to those people who have no idea what they’re talkin about or doin in a relationship.

  8. LOL at this post! I agree, Alison… May I add the caveats, that this is a generalized truth only when she actually cares.. Some women don’t care and some women are blissfully forcing oblviousness (it’s a word right?).. and thus miss important signals…

  9. Sis Kia! Nice to see you! Welcome to the “other” side!

    Yes….you know we (both men and women) sometimes “see” what we want to see. If NONE of our friends like our S.O….they’re probably stuff they are seeing that we are blissfully ignoring….then we wanna get mad at the dude/chick when he/she moves on b/c we just didn’t “get” it.


  10. Ahhhhhh, I know i’m waaaay late but never to late for my .02!!!

    You KNOW I am your Homeland Partner!! I’ve broken email pw’s, voicemail pw’s, looked thrugh glove boxes….anyway, thats here nor there. I do agree with everything you’ve said and wanna add for the ladies, STOP IGGIN THE VERY REAL GUT FEELING!!!!!! You’re not crazy and you havent made any of it up. People are creatures of habit and as soon as your dude has changed his behavior that means SOMETHING has changed. So fellas, stop thinking you are smart and get smart. If you used to come home at 6pm and now you come home at 930pm with no real explaination, dont look at your shorty like she’s crazy when shes jumping down your throat!!!! Also, if you USED to lay your phone wherever and NOW you hide it or get texts all day and night, Please GET SMART or get CUT!!! Just a couple of pointers for the dummies of the world!! LOL

  11. Just want to say your article is striking. The clarity in your post is simply striking and i can take for granted you are an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your rss feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the ac complished work. Excuse my poor English. English is not my mother tongue.

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