Playing Your Position

We are all issued a position in life. Sometimes, it’s from birth, sometimes there is an incident that happens at some point in our lives that solidifies our position. Sometimes we just “come into our own”. Sometimes it’s a position that we slowly let ourselves slip into. But for some reason, everybody else generally knows our position except for us. I think the world would be alot nicer (less killin’ and stabbin’ and just more personal happiness) if people just played their position. So here’s my question….

When it comes to relationships, why is it that most people don’t play their positions (or as some like to say…”stay in their lane”)?

Answer this question for yourself; In a room full of 20 people that represented everyone in the world (all women if you’re a woman and all men if you’re a man), where would you fit? Top 10? Bottom 10? Top 5? OK, so only a few people would put themselves where they actually are. But that’s not the point. The point is, if you are in the top 5, then you probably have nothing to worry about. Let’s also think about “the scale”….The Scale of ONE to TEN. Where do you fit on The Scale? Reality (and most of the social or dating networks out there) shows me that alot of people think they are shiny new dimes when in fact they may be a well used nickel….or even a nickel plus two pennies. But really the point is, if you’re a 7, then be the best 7 that you can be. Why are you upset that a dude that normally dates dimes only sleeps with you as a 7??? Because as a 7, you may be “doable”, but NOT wifey material. Then you, Ms. 7, are always complaining about being used. Recognize that you are not a dime, but you are/can be queen of the 7’s!!! Now if you are a dude that works out religiously and has a bangin’ body, but can’t string two sentences together and have a wandering eye, then why are you stalkin’ me when I told you NO the first time. Why can’t you understand that your body may be a 10, but overall you may be a 7? I will admit that I have had some closet relations with sexy dudes that I had NO intentions of introducing to ANYBODY in my family, but uhhh…NO…you will NOT be coming to the family reunion, Mr. Gold Fronts (Did I let that slip out????). You are only good for a late night creep…so play your position, buddy! (And in case you were WONDERING….a wandering eye is a definite deal breaker even on the late night creep!!!!)

Also….let’s talk about playing our position in relationships. Are you wifey? Are you sure? Then you need read no further. If you are NOT wifey, then what are you?? Somebody he’s dating? His side piece? Now…it’s OK to be “somebody he’s dating” if you know about her/them and she/them also know about you. But when ONLY you know about her and she DOESN’T know about you, then no matter what he tells you, you are simply the side piece. And that’s OK as long as you what????? Play your position. If you are the side piece, then don’t make him your priority when you are simply an exciting option for him. Don’t become wifey to him without the “ring”. Are you always available and not seeing anybody else so that whenever he calls, you’re “RETT TA GO”? If you are the side piece, then you have to have other folx in your life so he doesn’t become “too comfortable”. If you are the side piece and you KNOW that, then don’t go around boilin’ rabbits and takin’ his kids to the carnival without permission. That is simply NOT playing your position. If you no longer WANT to be the side piece, then get OUT, don’t get MAD (at him anyway). Play your position and when your position is played, move on.

Now men can also be the side piece, but they really can’t handle it as well. Men are jealous and possessive creatures. They do NOT like to know that another man is creeping up in their “space”. Hell….they don’t even like the attention you give ya damn kids! So they don’t do well, BUT it’s still up to the female in this situation to let all parties know what’s what. So men, if you know you are just the dude the side…then don’t be sending the sexy eye to her and givin’ her dude the gas face so that you blow up her spot while she’s out with her REAL man. Like Biggie said, “Why blow up my spot cuz we both got hot??!!” All of this up front convo prevents the aforementioned killin’ and stabbin’ when folx find out that they are really not #1.

Hey…we live in a cosmetic society….I didn’t make it so and neither did you, but it’s a fact!! Folx still want their kids to have “nice” hair (whatever that is) to the point of giving them weaves and perms under the age of 5. Everyone wants to be attractive to others. Everyone wants to be in the Top 5. No matter what your preacher or life coach tells you, doing daily affirmations that tell yourself that you are a cutie does not make it so. So re-evaluate and reassess and most of all BE honest with yourself. and your relationships.. and play the best position that you can, because in the end you’ll be a happier player in the game of life.

PS: For a small fee, I can help you with your position, if you want….just send me a shout (and a picture and some dating/family history), but be ready for the honest truth. (Just jokin’…sorta…but not really).

So here’s to winning at the Game of Life!

0 responses to “Playing Your Position”

  1. What I need help with is determining what number the man is that I may be interested in.

    Give me the qualities that would make him a 10,9,8,7,6,5….ok around 5 I think I can figure that one out. But I need a guide…or something.

  2. Great Article but I just have to add one point. When you don’t play your position if f^&*s up the whole game. When the third basemen starts wanting to be the shortstop we got problems. When a 6 starts trying to be that 9.5, it leaves a whole lot of lonely 6s and a lot of upset 9s and 10s. The sad part is God made us blind to our “own ugly.” Thats why ugly folks think they hot. I just hope A. Fox helps one person find their true match. Keep writing, and stay true.

  3. Cleary there’s a reason for an article or “thinking” like this. Maybe for one to be realistic about the situatiuon they are in. I personally don’t agree with playing any kind of secondary position to anyone for any matter of time that’s significant (especially for women). Women do that far tooo often and sell themselves short. Why should any woman be comfy in the position of 7 or any other lower rank when she can choose to be #1 (as opposed to 10/dime/ at this ranking..what is this anyway??)

    Dreyboog, I’d focus on qualities that have real meaning in your life. Does he treat you with the respect you command, does he listen, does he have qualities that you’d want to share with those you love most (I.e. would you feel good taking him home to the family), does he have integrity, compassion, and a good heart. Simply…is he a good man who deserves you as a woman? It’s not’s really simple. These qaulities that stand out to me when looking for a mate that I’d want to share my life with…

  4. Well Shelly….you’re right the reason for this article is to just help people take a true assessment of their behaviors. Right, wrong or otherwise people sometimes make bad decisions (like playing seconds) and then aren’t willing to accept the bad decisions they make (like calling his woman and fussin’ at her on the phone when you’re the one that’s wrong). You’re right…you shouldn’t have to play second or sell yourself short. But the only point that I was trying to make is when we overreach our boundaries OR sell ourselves short….the only person we should be mad at is ourselves…and in the future, we should make better decisions. This was just a way to poke fun at situations and people like the one tooth construction guy who’s mad at you b/c you won’t give him you number.

  5. Hey!!!! You know we’ve talked about this…. It’s a sad situation and I think that sometimes dudes mess up by treating the 6-7’s like they are 10’s. There’s a lot of gassing going on and it needs to stop!!!! I agree with you people should learn to Play Their Positions!!! The world would be a happier place!!!!!!

  6. Shelly,

    I don’t agree, the “Playing Your Position” means to “Know Yourself” and not set yourself up for failure by having unrealistic expectations of yourself and others. If an individual has and honest perspective and stong image of themself then everything else relationship wise (Social & Romantic) falls into place. There is no more being used or walked over because you know what you will accpet and what you won’t. You will know what type of people you mesh with and what type you don’t like. It is about abonding the normative perception of what we should have in a mate / friend and accpeting the reality of who we are a person and what are reasonable expectations for the people we let in our lives.

  7. Ok… the funny thing to me is, who’s to say they are a “10” or a “5”?? I know the article talked about how no one will really admit to being a 5 when they state that they are a 10, but the whole thing is just SO subjective.. I just can’t give too much credance to the “ratings” 🙂

  8. I think what Mel said is well put and sums it up…don’t have unrealistic expectations of yourself and don’t show your ghost (or representative) when you first meet someone and say, for example that a swingers lifestyle is OK when deep down inside you know it’s not. Play your position….be true to who you are and where you are in life. It also means for guys that are broke and tryin’ to impress females by living above their means…playing your position means just that…..the woman who is meant for you will not care that you don’t push a big whip sittin’ on 22’s (whatever that means). And when people do things to impress and the other person doesn’t reciprocate or understand how far out on a limb we put ourselves….we are usually mad at THEM and not ourselves for stepping too far out of our zone. I’m not advocating that we should not try new things…but they should be with eyes wide open…and not eyes wide shut. Then we and only we are responsible for our own decisions and our own happiness really.
    You ever heard somebody at the end of a relationship say….”And all the stuff I did for her/him…how could she/he do this to me……” If you do what you can from your heart and stay in your lane…when things don’t work out…they just don’t…and it’s par for the course.

    To Ms Starr71….Society (and our peers) tell us who is a 5/7/10. In different cultures it’s different things. I don’t beg to say I have all the answers….but in some cultures skinny is like sick where men like some meat on their bones…in other cultures, the slimmer the better. So….it is relative…but usually we know where we fall.

  9. I agree and dont agree. When people play their position life is easy and feelings dont get hurt. But that is what life is about But I have seen too many times in life where 10 marries 7 or less or vice versa. So what does all that mean, the exterior is only a segment of what a person is attracted to. I would not know how to rate myself (I thinks its gay for a man to rate himself) but i woulds say good because of compliments from the opposite sex. In my college days it was all about looks and body for me. Now that I am in my 30’s that love of God, advanced degree, high salary, interesting conversation, travel like crazy, and the ability to shop when you want to plays a bigger and more important role that just looks.

  10. Jermaine….you’re right. But again…what is a 10 for you may not be another man’s 10. But my point is JUST as you made it. Since your desires include salary, conversation, travel, and a love of God…a PHINE (society-wise) sister w/o any of those…becomes a 5 on your scale. When you don’t return her advances b/c she’s workin’ at the McDonald’s with 4 Baby Daddies and ain’t never heard of Barack Obama……then her “rating” falls like a hot potato….then she should not get mad at you….she should just what????? Play her Position and she ain’t the one for you. So that’s all it’s really about.
    Instead…she’d probably call you all kinds of names and feel that she was just more than what you could handle anyway. I’ve been turned down in my lifetime, and I just let it go. Maybe I wasn’t the one for him. Maybe I was Ms. Right Now, but not Ms. Right….when things don’t go our way…we just have to stay in our lane.

    So then you would agree that what was a 10 for you in college may not necessarily be a 10 now, right?

    PS Ratings are not just external. I’ve seen some bangin’ 10’s (externally) have the worst attitude and quickly drop a few notches….and vice versa I’ve seen some 5’s (externally) light up a room and draw men and women alike to them like a moth to a flame… it’s really a combo of all the things that really make a person a certain rating on a scale of 1-10….and even then….it’s really all in fun, right! :o)

  11. So I get all this “Play Your Position” stuff…picking the one that’s best suited for you…the one that treats you well, etc….blah..blah…blah.

    The issue I am having is that this all looks good on paper…but in the practical sense it’s not so easy to determine who’s “THE ONE”……this is so because as stated before…folxs tend to put their best foot forward initially and then things can start to unravel slowly or quickly. Additionally, at what point do you throw in the towel…right..I know…you have to determine what you are and are not willing to deal with…but when emotions get involved this somehow/times deactivates your brain. Additionally, on the flip side…you hear “relationships are work”….so when times get tough you really have to re/assess the situation. There will be many times when you are pushed to the point of wanting to throw in the towel..but don’t…or do so prematurely.

    I have also heard people say “I won’t find any better so I will just deal with what I have…to the best of my ability.” So are we destined to just get a portion of what we want? I think half the battle IS understanding that you probably will only get about 80% of what you want….hence the 80-20 rule.

    So my take on this whole thing is to 1.) not get caught up in the initial fanfare…take your time…get to know someone..cause it won’t take long for the nuttiness to surface…;o). But you also must realize that getting to know someone takes a “lifetime” so…..2.) understand what you are looking for and listen to you BRAIN and 3.) accept the fact that you ain’t getting 100% and neither is your other half :o).

  12. A. Fox, it’s good to see you have a mastery of the “Play Your Position” concept. As great as you put in down in cyberspace, I still feel compelled to address some things you brought up.

    I couldn’t help but notice that your column seems to be written in a context of women usually being “the victim” of mis-communication. As an African-American “King”, my experience has been that women elect not to be honest enough with men when it comes to matters of importance. I’m not giving men an exemption here, but the average woman has a skewed sense of entitlement. I think you may have addressed that in saying that one shouldn’t have their “representative” on deck when they first meet someone.

    The problems in “playing your position” come in due to people that dabble in playing “the bait and switch”. This happens in large part because too many people have unrealistic expectations of others, aren’t true to themselves, and/or want more perks than they are worth or can even provide in the dating game. With those individuals, their agenda is making sure they get all they desire with little inclination to reciprocate. Representatives will always be on deck in droves because of this! In knowing this, knowledge of the dating game is essential for our own protection – and we are all participants in the dating game whether we realize it or not.

    Mel is a true guru. I would like to add that the ‘pros’ must outweigh the ‘cons’ in any situation worth staying in. Nobody is perfect, but the goal should be to “separate the top notch from the scrubs” and get involved with someone who’s compatible as a package.

    I’m glad you made your comment about “beauty being in the eye of the beholder”, too . . . Anorexic-looking women are definitely not appealing to me! I prefer women that look healthy and voluptuously beautiful, whether slender or medium-built 🙂

  13. Great article, however we must remember that we are always changing. What we needed two years ago may not be what we need now. This does not mean we throw away relationships, but take into account that our partners needs may be shifting and changing as well as our own. We do need to know what we are and where we are positioned. We can find ourselves in relationships where we are not equipped to be. “Minor league players are always trying for the Majors”

  14. O.C.
    Appreciate your comments. I did not mean to write from the woman’s perspective except for…I’m a woman, BUT women are slicker than men….so…I’d agree that both sexes are equally capable of being able pull of shenanigans! :o)


    You are correct…we ARE changing and evolving…..and what we wanted at 20 is most likely NOT what we want @ 30….but if your mate is not evolving with you….then it’s time for them to play THEIR position. So playing your position is really an ever-changing position. For example…I hope that when I’m 60…I’m playing my 60 yr old position and not still be having like my 30 yr old self.

    The EVOLUTION will not be televised. As a matter of fact, you’ll hardly even know it’s happening….but that’s why we always have to self-assess and be self-aware.

    PS I like your quote about Minor Leaguers. :o)

  15. A. Fox, my sister,
    I will agree that the average woman is slicker than most men.

    This fact has driven me (and other men like me) to “step our knowledge of the game up”. I say in all humor and sincerity that I didn’t attain the rank of “Master Player Instructor” from the accredited Player’s Council of the World-at-Large and School of Hard Knocks by having ‘blind luck’ in the dating game nor the Game of Life. The Old School practices of courtship and position playing are still timeless; if implemented properly with New School flavor, they are guaranteed to minimize the drama and uncertainty anyone would experience in this game.

    I do appreciate your column, and I encourage you not to stop “Keeping it fresh and 100” for the masses. One love!

  16. Thanx OC for your comment and speaking of the slippery slickness of women….the next installment is comin’ at-cha!

    Master Player Instructor, HUH? I ain’t see you on mah class (said in best ghetto black girl voice with movin’ head and all that jazz).


  17. Ok, Ms. Fox.

    Let me know when your next class begins so I can audit it. I may be able to even fill in for you from time to time {Kool-aid grin}.


  18. Okay…timeout. First off, I like your original spelling of “folks”(folx)…interesting. *smirk* Also…I tend to agree with Kev J in the sense the “God made us blind to our own ugly”…hence the reason why 1s don’t know they’re 1s and 10s don’t know they are 1s, etc. In fact, I don’t think people should be the judge of themselves on this scale. Case in point…I think I’m a 5 in the looks department…but women think I’m at the high end of this scale. But, because I think I’m a 5, I’m ridin the fence in term of datin dimez or someone not so dimey (thru my eyes). Now…I also believe that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder…so that means we all have our own perception of what beauty truly is. Therefore and in conclusion, it’s almost impossible to have a 1-10 scale where we all agree on someone’s assesment of themself. This article makes for great convo…but I would add the following disclaimer:

    DISCLAIMER: This article was written to be read by only those who have rated themselves on a scale from 1-10. If you’ve ever rated yourself from 1-10, why stop there? Please go stand outside with a sign that reads “I rated myself from 1-10, guess what number I gave myself?”.

  19. So I’ll bite….guess what I rated myself???? :o) And it’s NOT only b/c of looks…so it’s not only that BEAUTY is in the eye of the beholder, but a 10 or not is in the eye of the beholder.

    EXAMPLE: I don’t have a big AZZ…for an ass man…that knocks me down a coupla notches to someone who has everything else I have but also has a big ass. If you’re not an ass man…then I rate probably equal.

    Example 2: I couldn’t marry a dude with a trick eye, but trick eyed folx get married all the time….sooo…..they are a 10 on somebody’s scale, but on MINE…that drops you to a straight zero….no offense to the tricky eye…but I don’t like that. It’s like I prefer Black men to white men…so a white man with the same credentials as a black man is not going to rate as high as the black man on my scale b/c that’s my preference…….ratings are WAAAAYYYY subjective and based on lots of factors.

  20. HAHAHA…yeah…I’m not an AZZ Man…but I do have a tendency to be an AZZ…hahaha. Or so I’ve been told. I like to call it one of my “Alpha Male” traits. But that’s another article…hint, hint.

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