Let’s join this regular story, already in progress:
Male Point(s) of View:
- My wife just is not as sexual as she was when we FIRST got married
- My wife is not as freaky as she was when we first got together
- Our sex life is unadventurous, uneventful and non-spontaneous.
- All my husband wants is sex. Doesn’t he realize all I have to do, dinner, kids, work. I’m tired when I get home.
- Sex is the last thing on my mind
- My husband tries a coupla OLD moves on me, then when that doesn’t work, he just rolls over, I don’t think he’s really interested in ME, just in sex.
- My husband doesn’t really do anything to stimulate me anymore
- My mind is just not in a sexual place
OK now let’s turn it off.
The short answer is LIFE HAPPENS! But this is a common story, so what we will examine today is:
How do you keep knockin’ boots, when the little ones are knockin’ on your (locked) door?
To my male readers, in order to try to include the male perspective, I interview Hubby on this topic at the end.
Something I’ve heard and I seem to agree with is…..women seem to view marriage and the start of a family as a new beginning, and men seem to view the same things as the “end” of their lives. What??? Their single lives??? Well it is, but you’re married now, grow up and realize that you can’t do the same things you did before, you are beholden to a wife now and maybe kids, so Life Happens, move beyond the mourning and start to celebrate what you have and how to make it work and make it better. As Biggie said…Sex all night, mad head in the morn…..can’t still happen when Baby all night, hurt head in the morn is the new song.
So….IN THE BEGINNING: There weren’t any kids, you were probably new to your job (not as many job responsibilities/ less job-related stress), you were infatuated with each other, you wanted to please and impress each other, you went out of your way to be together….your money may not have been tied together with pesky things like a mortgage, day care expenses, etc, and things well….how do you say???? Different. So let’s keep that word in mind. Different.
Fast forward to the words (if they are even spoken): Let’s start a family….or maybe you started with, “Guess what honey, I missed my period last month and look….there’s a + on the home pregnancy test!”. Wherever you started, you had to know then that things were gonna be different. First of all, pregnancy is NO joke…I mean I had pretty uneventful pregnancies AND deliveries, AND my husband thoroughly enjoyed my pregnant body. But what about the woman who suffers through pregnancy, her husband is turned off by her large abdomen and “complaints”, swollen feet and general lack of energy. And he comments, “I can’t wait till you drop that BABY and BABY WEIGHT so we can get back to us”. Now you may not say those EXACT words, but maybe you hint. Maybe you don’t try to approach your wife like you used to, after nine months of that, how do you think she feels. And God forbid….please don’t use the “I don’t want to have sex because I don’t want to “hurt” the baby!” line. First of all you ain’t that big and second of all, take a human anatomy class or something, the baby is behind the cervix and you can’t penetrate that. NOW…if the doctor has put her on a NO SEX routine because of the pregnancy….then maybe I’ll have to go with you. Did you know that the same muscles that contract (and hormones that are released) during orgasm can also jump start labor and delivery? Now…that does NOT mean, you will go into labor at 20 weeks if you have orgasms. BUT if it’s close to the time and you getting’ your last freak on cuz you know it’s gon’ be a while, then you’re liable to start the comin’ out process for the baby, but you will still not HURT the baby. I’m a living witness because my husband and I had sex the day before I went into labor with BOTH of my children.
The point is….things are gonna change. I mean you have a little one(s) to care for, you are both (or at least one of you) sleep deprived, maybe you’re back to work and the baby is still not sleeping through the night. The house isn’t being kept as clean as you’d like. Hormones are changing (some might argue raging). Your body is now not as tight as it usta be. Maybe you have some feelings about that. Your sugar walls (with a vaginal delivery) are not as tight as they usta be. Maybe there are some feelings about that.
My MAIN GOAL, when I was on maternity leave, was to have taken a shower and be presentable by the time my husband got home from work (all this with a child that was nursing every two hours for about 30-45 mins each time…so my windows of opportunity were few and far between). My secondary goal was to have dinner started. Most times I made it the first goal, less often the second goal, but I did not always have either of them. How do you think I would have felt about sex if my efforts would have gone unnoticed, and if the few times I did have on my robe, my husband’s response was, “Dag…what you been doin’ all day, you ain’t even got no clothes on?” Well women you all know that stayin’ home with a baby ain’t no easy job. And I can just hear the argument that would come next which I won’t go into. Or how about when the kids get older and the husband comes home and needs some time to “just relax and unwind” and the kids are falling all over you (the mom?). When is your time to relax and unwind? Oh and by the way, dinner needs to be cooked, homework done, dishes washed etc and your husband w/o an explicit request does not see or understand that any of this needs to be done.
Generally the woman feels like she’s the only one looking @ the big picture and the man has to be TOLD what to do and this makes her feel like she has an extra KID and that becomes frustrating. Then the relationship turns from a husband/wife (equal) relationship to one of a mother/child and the husband hears that tone in her voice and resents her talking to him like that, so he tunes her out.
Fast forward to tonight (men get over conflict quicker than women) and he’s rolling over in the spoon position to see what his “chances” are and she’s still back trying to figure out how he was able to relax and unwind and she still looking for her opportunity. The house is still a mess and she’s was just hoping that he had seen SOME of what she saw needed to be done and decided to help without her having to ask. If he could just take SOME of the burden off her plate, then she might be able to be in a better place for some McLovin’. She’s quick with the tongue and has nothing nice to say….so instead of loving his wife and saying “Baby how can I help you not feel so stressed?”, he rolls back over to let her stew in her own feelings.
But let’s say that’s not the issue and you’re both on the same page that you wanna share some McLovin’. Unfortunately, you gotta schedule it…and as somebody said….Send out the invitation and wait to get the RSVP. If it’s important, you’ll put it in your Blackberry just like all other things that are important. Women, we also need to understand that you don’t always have time for all the romance and foreplay….sometimes (a lot of times), there’s only time for a quickie. Get over it…candles and 4 hour long lovemaking sessions are probably not gonna happen unless you get a baby sitter and go to a hotel or send the kids somewhere. It’s just not always possible, but do realize that NO McLovin’ is not really acceptable in a loving relationship. If you just don’t want it at all and scheduling is not the problem, then talk to you husband about your feelings, maybe it’s medical, maybe it’s stress, but talk about what you need to get the old thing back. Try to have this discussion outside the bedroom and when you’re not stressed. Don’t accuse him of what he’s not doing, just make it about you and what you need and your desire to be intimate with him and how he could help you….but not what he’s not doing. That is NOT going to be a positive conversation if he’s on the defensive. Communication is the key because men (or women for that matter) are not mind readers.
Now…some people get married for all the wrong reasons and have no interest in making it work. They just wanted some kids and didn’t wanna be a baby mama and that’s that. If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, then she’s not. I’m speaking to the people that have just gone through some things and have just lost sight of the McLovin’ but both want to get it back.
Bottom line is you don’t run the same time for a quarter mile at 70 years old that you did at 20 or even 30. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop running a quarter mile. Life Happens and things change, you have to adapt.
So I believe you can be FREAKY with a FAMILY, but just not the EXACT same way you used to. Swingin’ from the chandeliers and panties and draws all over the living room. Falling asleep on the chair butta ball naked after it’s all done just ain’t gonna cut it when the kids get up @ 7 AM. That would be unrealistic. Get them kids up outta there and schedule some time for some McLovin’ and give him some ladies….once you get into it….you really will enjoy it…and men…read Feeling Delicious to help her get there. If it’s not that simple….join a swingers club, go out to a club (seperately) and flirt with each other, have phone sex (or PHONE TEXT) while you’re at work…..you’ll feel sexy and feel lie sexin’. It’s up to both of you to make it happen. Keep me posted, I’d love to hear about all the new adventures.
A. Fox: So what do you think?
KJ: The insight is men need to work hard to keep the fire at home and do the things that you would do to get NEW women, do those same things with your SO. Women need to realize how important it is to the relationship to maintain the things you used to do. Accept that you used to go out of your way to do special things for your man. Now that you don’t think it’s important any more, you don’t. This is also true for men
A Fox: I disagree. I think that the expectations are different and you don’t do the SAME things, but you do need to have the same frame of reference for what you do and have to put it in “today’s” context. It would be just as unfair for a woman to believe that her husband needs to take her out to dinner every weekend even when their fiscal picture does not allow it. Then her argument would be….well you USTA take me out every weekend….and now you only take me out once a month. That is just as unreasonable. What she needs to recognize is that her husband still wants to take her out every week, but it’s just not fiscally responsible to do that. Expenses have changed….so he does what he can.
KJ: A man’s complaint is not around FREAKY ….but FREQUENCY or even simpler….GOOD sex at a reasonable FREQUENCY. A man’s complaint is really about the absence of good sex in the household, so even if he’s getting it often enough, but she’s just not into it, there will still be complaints. A man does not want sex from a woman that’s just performing her wifely duties. Laying there and just asking the man to let her know when he’s done. A couple needs to evaluate their lives. For example, If y’all not having sex as much as you are going out to dinner (or movies). Stop the blame game and look @ yourselves both way and figure out that if you could schedule sex in for one of those movie/dinner dates?
A. Fox: So what do you think is a realistic frequency?
KJ: To be available once per week for good sex is a reasonable minimum. More is always accepted.
A. Fox: What do you think is the husband’s role and the wife’s role?
KJ: I don’t think there’s a role…both of them should be available.
A. Fox: But being available is a vague statement, what does that mean?
KJ: It just means that both parties need to recognize that we haven’t had sex this week….so when we’re both available, then we should both be open to the opportunity as it presents itself. It maybe a 1 hour session or a 15 min session, but it’s both people’s responsibility to keep the fire lit.
A Fox: Since this is a recurring conversation that men long term relationships have, whether married or otherwise, why don’t men just get over it? It’s inevitable that sex frequency decreases because life just happens. It’s no different that understanding that your children will grow up and leave the house. However in no way am I advocating that the frequency should be zero.
KJ: A man is never going to get over the need for good sex just as a woman is never going to get over the fact that she feels her husband or SO needs to do more around the house to help out.
A. Fox: I guess I sorta agree, but I have to think about that a little more (smile).
Special thanx to K and R for separate emails that kept on top of me to get this topic out there (You know who you are).